HOLDING MY BREATH

So good news first, I had my scan the other week and the news came back very positive. The doctors are 90% sure that the lump in my chest is just a Thymic Gland that has reactivated itself due to the intense Radiotherapy! But the bad news is I am still going to need a biopsy! Basically a big needle going through my neck into my chest!

It has taken quite a lot out of me to get to this point. I know in my last post that I said that an invasive surgery was needed but it all changed last minute! I was waiting for the confirmation to arrive from the hospital but it never came so I called up asking what the hold up was. My recommendation for surgery never left the office an ‘administrative error’ it was called. So reviewing my case my consultant wanted me to have a scan instead. This was on the table before but was decided against so the idea was revisited and the arrangements were made. I made sure they were this time!! 

I waited 3-4 weeks to have my scan. If I had the scan straight away it would basically be the same as before and we needed a gap to see how the lump reacted. If it got bigger then there would be a very strong chance that it was Hodgkin’s. If the lump got smaller or stayed the same then it was just the Thymic gland.

I was just holding my breath trying to keep myself busy. The thought of everything crashing down again kept me up at night. My mind was a muddle. Everything seemed out of focus for a while so it’s nice to feel things getting back to normal again, well almost. 

R.E.M.I.S.S.I.O.N

Well I didn’t even make it past my 1st scan! Everything had been going so well, too well in fact that I simply did not have enough time to add to my blog! I had made my hat, taken my pictures and was ready to sit down and write my thing about how amazing it was to reach the biblical word REMISSION but as soon as I heard these energizing words I was off, I was away, doing those things I had suppressed for so long! I went on holiday to Valencia to see my cousin whose wedding I had missed earlier that year. I found myself a job as a freelance pattern cutter. It couldn’t have been more perfect I could work from home, do it in bite size pieces and have a job that challenged me. I met friends and you know I actually went on a night out! I can’t say that I have done that in a while! But then my 1st scan came around the corner and I just new that something was up. I can’t really put my finger on it though I just knew that something would be wrong. I worked and reworked my collage but it did not look right until I placed my fear in the scene.  I mean I felt fine I was out and about and starting to get on but my fears were realised when I was told that my scan had showed a new lump in my chest! I literally stopped breathing!

On the plus side my chances are 50/50. It may not even be Hodgkins’ but a gland that has been irritated by the intense radiotherapy that was based on that area! My next step is to have a biopsy! I will have an operation that will go through my chest and unfortunately break a rib. My fingers are crossed but I am just pissed off! Can everything that I have worked so hard to get back be taken away so easily? Has the bubble burst...

THE RADIO

It’s been a while since I have been on here. Too long really but Radiotherapy has been tough. Being perfectly honest with you my world has turned upside down yet again! I finished last month but it has taken until now for me to recover. Many people say that Radio is much easier than Chemo and of course Chemo was intense and painful at times, going through the amount of needles I went through, but Chemo was not  e-v-e-r-y  s-i-n-g-l-e  day. Just going to the hospital was tiring. I have never been so tired in all my life! I just felt like I was spiralling deeper and deeper into depression.

Other than being incredibly tired, I experienced many side effects. I tended to get a sore throat if I talked too much and singing was a definite no no. Car journeys were not the same!! The area which had been exposed to the Radiation turned black. The only way to describe it really was the worst sunburn you could possibly imagine! Thankfully I’ve returned to my normal colour! And if you thought that the needles had gone you would be sadly mistaken as I was, they were back in the form of weekly blood tests. I felt incredibly sorry for the first nurse who had me. I hadn’t had one in a while and so became incredibly emotional and just sat there crying. 

Radiotherapy put me in a cocoon. I felt incredibly isolated but now I have emerged (with new hair) I am now ready to get going! 

MINDY NETTLES ILLUSTRATION

Goodness it has been quite a while since I have been on here! I will be back with some more hats soon but just thought I would post this very new and exciting facebook page by Mindy Nettles. You may remember that Mindy did a drawing of me a little while ago so if you liked that you will LOVE this. This is only a small selection of her work so click HERE and wonder through an extraordinary mind!!!

WORLD BOOK NIGHT

An amazing night has passed and it was called World Book Night. It was a giving of 1million books. But it was no ordinary book. It had been printed for free and been distributed for free for one purpose; giving people the enjoyment of reading.  In order to do this 20,000 people were required to become ‘book givers’. There were 25 books to choose from and on that list was one of my favourites; Fingersmith by Sarah Walters. But before I was given any books I had to apply to become a ‘book giver’. To be considered, a short paragraph of why I chose the book and who was going to receive the book had to be written. My answer was that I had done a lot of academic reading through university. It made it hard to read something just for the enjoyment of reading. I thought that this would be a great opportunity to get my friends who were in similar situation reading something great. But I didn’t want to stop there I wanted to give the book to people who had helped me along the way, the nurses at the Chemo clinic, the nurses at the doctors surgery and a few people I know who haven’t read a book in a while.

Each book contains a unique number which when registered into the World Book Night website can be traced to show where that particular book has travelled. The idea is to pass the book on once you have read it and registered it. Then the person who you have passed the book onto will hopefully do the same. Hopefully passing it on again and again will give more people the chance of reading a great book. So maybe in a years time, ten years time, the book could have circled the globe! Who knows where it could end up!

Here are just a few people I gave my books to:

HANA

LINDA

LINDA

HELENE

JAI

LOUISE 

THE PERTH ROAD GANG - NATASHA, ADAM, KATE AND HAYLEY

HOLLY

MY FIRST TATOO

I have made my decision… I have decided to have Radiotherapy. I was nervous at the prospect of having this treatment as I knew it could lead to other more serious cancers. Also I did not know enough about Radiotherapy to feel happy with what I was going to put myself through. There was only one thing for it I had to start talking to people and start researching. I had to make a decision that I would be comfortable with. Though at the start the more advice I seeked the more confused I got but by talking to different people I realised my condition in a way was unique, like no other. Although someone may be diagnosed with the same disease their bodies react differently, you could say individually, to the treatment. I had to feel confident about my decision, to feel that I had understood my next step and knew what it would entail. This was a hard decision but when it came down to it I had to have faith in my Doctors opinion.

The first stage of Radiotherapy was to get a tattoo! Well three in fact. This would show where the radio beam would be directed. Now don’t start getting ideas. They are not massive arrows or treasure map crosses but tiny dots no bigger than a pin prick on my chest and under my arms. They help the Radiographers to position me in the exact same way for every treatment. My treatment takes place Monday to Friday everyday except for weekends. The treatment will last one month, which is 22 sessions of Radiotherapy. I am 14 session in so not long now!!!

Getting the little tattoo’s made me think about how my treatments had changed me and more noticeably how it has changed my body and skin. Though I have lost my hair (which is starting to come back as you can see from the photo) and gained a bit of weight these things will gradually go back to normal but there are changes that will be permanently with me. My three little dots got me thinking about how all our bodies tell stories through Scars, birth marks, tattoo’s, scratches and burns. Each are etched by time. They show your personal stories some good, some bad, some funny and probably some we would much rather forget. I do not quite know what I think about my marks yet but I know I am not the same person as I was a few months ago.

\

READ ALL ABOUT IT!!!

I was in the local newspaper last Monday! How amazingly weird and exciting is that? I can’t quite believe it. They did a 2-page spread showing 4 of my hats. Because of this article I got in touch with people I knew years ago!!! My old tutor, my old class mates. I knew my blog would allow me to meet new people but I never knew my blog would put me back in touch with people. What an unexpected surprise!!! Oh and on a completely different note you can probably see my hair is starting to come back. It is still a little sparse but it’s coming!!!

A MINDY MOMENT

This is the fabulous illustration done by my friend Mindy. I absolutely adore her illustrations and if you get a chance check out her website; http://www.wix.com/mindyrosenettles/illustration and if you really love it, like I know you will, you can even check out her blog; http://mindynettles.blogspot.com/ Good times. 

WHEN BELLE MET THE QUEEN

Well fellow blogger Hayley of http://www.londonbeautyqueen.com/ that is. We were just talking about each others blogs when I made the comment that knowing me if I had all that make-up I wouldn’t wear it I would just put it on my head! It was just a joke obviously but it sounded quite fun at the same time. So when you wake up to a package containing 3 eye shadows, 1 mascara, 2 eye liners, 1 nail varnish, 1 lip gloss and 1 lipstick you can’t help but have a good day! I must give a word of warning though, please be careful when getting close to other bloggers… you could end up having more fun!!!