THE 'GET BACK TO NORMAL' LEAFLET

When I finished my treatments and was told by my doctors to start “getting back to normal”, I thought, like many as I have realised, that things would simply just go back to ‘normal’. It has taken me a while to realise that that is not how it works. The truth is that you finish and then what? With every step into the unknown there was always a leaflet guiding you through it. Though it would not be able to tell you exactly how it would go, it had a suggestion or two and a handful of side effects that you could choose from. But there is no such leaflet to tell you how to ‘get back to normal’. Without realising it, I had changed! Who knows when that happened! Maybe it was the day I was told I had Cancer. I hadn’t understood the implications of those words until now.

HOLDING MY BREATH

So good news first, I had my scan the other week and the news came back very positive. The doctors are 90% sure that the lump in my chest is just a Thymic Gland that has reactivated itself due to the intense Radiotherapy! But the bad news is I am still going to need a biopsy! Basically a big needle going through my neck into my chest!

It has taken quite a lot out of me to get to this point. I know in my last post that I said that an invasive surgery was needed but it all changed last minute! I was waiting for the confirmation to arrive from the hospital but it never came so I called up asking what the hold up was. My recommendation for surgery never left the office an ‘administrative error’ it was called. So reviewing my case my consultant wanted me to have a scan instead. This was on the table before but was decided against so the idea was revisited and the arrangements were made. I made sure they were this time!! 

I waited 3-4 weeks to have my scan. If I had the scan straight away it would basically be the same as before and we needed a gap to see how the lump reacted. If it got bigger then there would be a very strong chance that it was Hodgkin’s. If the lump got smaller or stayed the same then it was just the Thymic gland.

I was just holding my breath trying to keep myself busy. The thought of everything crashing down again kept me up at night. My mind was a muddle. Everything seemed out of focus for a while so it’s nice to feel things getting back to normal again, well almost. 

THE RADIO

It’s been a while since I have been on here. Too long really but Radiotherapy has been tough. Being perfectly honest with you my world has turned upside down yet again! I finished last month but it has taken until now for me to recover. Many people say that Radio is much easier than Chemo and of course Chemo was intense and painful at times, going through the amount of needles I went through, but Chemo was not  e-v-e-r-y  s-i-n-g-l-e  day. Just going to the hospital was tiring. I have never been so tired in all my life! I just felt like I was spiralling deeper and deeper into depression.

Other than being incredibly tired, I experienced many side effects. I tended to get a sore throat if I talked too much and singing was a definite no no. Car journeys were not the same!! The area which had been exposed to the Radiation turned black. The only way to describe it really was the worst sunburn you could possibly imagine! Thankfully I’ve returned to my normal colour! And if you thought that the needles had gone you would be sadly mistaken as I was, they were back in the form of weekly blood tests. I felt incredibly sorry for the first nurse who had me. I hadn’t had one in a while and so became incredibly emotional and just sat there crying. 

Radiotherapy put me in a cocoon. I felt incredibly isolated but now I have emerged (with new hair) I am now ready to get going! 

MY FIRST TATOO

I have made my decision… I have decided to have Radiotherapy. I was nervous at the prospect of having this treatment as I knew it could lead to other more serious cancers. Also I did not know enough about Radiotherapy to feel happy with what I was going to put myself through. There was only one thing for it I had to start talking to people and start researching. I had to make a decision that I would be comfortable with. Though at the start the more advice I seeked the more confused I got but by talking to different people I realised my condition in a way was unique, like no other. Although someone may be diagnosed with the same disease their bodies react differently, you could say individually, to the treatment. I had to feel confident about my decision, to feel that I had understood my next step and knew what it would entail. This was a hard decision but when it came down to it I had to have faith in my Doctors opinion.

The first stage of Radiotherapy was to get a tattoo! Well three in fact. This would show where the radio beam would be directed. Now don’t start getting ideas. They are not massive arrows or treasure map crosses but tiny dots no bigger than a pin prick on my chest and under my arms. They help the Radiographers to position me in the exact same way for every treatment. My treatment takes place Monday to Friday everyday except for weekends. The treatment will last one month, which is 22 sessions of Radiotherapy. I am 14 session in so not long now!!!

Getting the little tattoo’s made me think about how my treatments had changed me and more noticeably how it has changed my body and skin. Though I have lost my hair (which is starting to come back as you can see from the photo) and gained a bit of weight these things will gradually go back to normal but there are changes that will be permanently with me. My three little dots got me thinking about how all our bodies tell stories through Scars, birth marks, tattoo’s, scratches and burns. Each are etched by time. They show your personal stories some good, some bad, some funny and probably some we would much rather forget. I do not quite know what I think about my marks yet but I know I am not the same person as I was a few months ago.

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